Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Bruce Wayne: Co-Dependent

The thing about having a blog for a while is ... well, I forget sometimes that I've gone through certain comics before.  I try to stay organized about it, but then I get a hankering for something new and ... well, it turns out I've gone through a chunk of Batman comics some years back.  Whoops!  How I didn't end up repeating myself, I don't know.

Anyway, it appears that I pooped out around issue #120, so we'll jump to that:


Bruce had a demanding elderly relative who criticized Bruce's life choices.  We have no idea what that's like, do we?  Find me an elderly person who isn't telling everyone else how they should be living their lives.  That would be a story.

Anyway, here's my question:


So, Batman takes down the robot and... that's it.

Excuse me?  Why is Professor Sheckley getting a pass on his rampaging killer robot?  We never find out.  Three-story killer robots are as common as hot dog carts in Metropolis, so I guess we're just supposed to chalk that up to life in Gotham.

Meanwhile, Bruce keeps doing risky things to gain the approval of this old coot (because that's such an emotionally healthy and worthwhile endeavor), and we run into this old device:


What?  Bruce and Batman together?  Madness!

Wait... nope, it's Alfred:


And I'm okay with that, except... that mask Alfred was wearing was a full face-mask, not just a cowl.  I can appreciate that this works from a distance, or chaos has appropriately ensued to distract people, but the man walked into a room full of reporters and had full-on conversations while no one said a thing.  I'm starting to think the journalists in Gotham aren't very good at their jobs.

But this, my friends, was one for the highlight reel:


Yes, there is no more beautiful moment than when you place a firearm in the hand of a child for the first time.  'Murica.

See you tomorrow!

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Batman Respects Your Needs as a Person... Not Just a Person About to Fall Off a Cliff

Let's check out Batman #57:


Hmmmm... that kind of behavior might have been the norm in 1950, but I think that Bats would be asking for trouble these days.  Instead of just grabbing her, there would have to be a clear understanding along the following lines:

Batman: Excuse me, Miss?

Hiker: Oh, thank Heavens you're here, Batman!

Batman: Yes, I saw that you seemed to be having some trouble.  Not that I'm implying you need my help, or that of any man.

Hiker: No, it's fine!  Please help!

Batman: Are you certain?  I don't want you to feel devalued or compromised as an individual.  The last thing I intend to do is to rob you of the self-esteem that can only come from hoisting yourself to safety.

Hiker: Please help!  My hands are getting numb!

Batman: We don't to compromise the long term issue (ie, your feelings of independence and self-worth) for the short term (ie, you falling to your death).  While I acknowledge the strength and bravery inherent in the very act of asking for help, I don't want you to fall prey to society's notion that, as a woman, you require a man's help to... for lack of a better term... "rescue" you.

Hiker: PLEASE DO SOMETHING!

Batman: And, of course, there is the rather awkward reality that some sort of physical contact is all but required in this sort of situation.  I want to make it perfectly clear that I would be using only the physical means necessary to effectuate your rescue.  I can assure you, Miss, that I would not be receiving any sexual gratification from the aforementioned contact.  I would further offer that, although you are wearing shorts and a rather form-fitting top, I respect your choice to dress how you choose and acknowledge that, regardless of your clothing selections, you have every right to expect respect and...

Hiker: AIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! (Splat!)

Coming this month: Batman.  Only on the Lifetime Network.

Yeah, that was silly.  But how much are you paying me?

That's right.  You just sit there and be amused.  Let's not develop a sense of entitlement, what say?

The first story in this 52 page for a dime extravaganza was a trial wherein the court examined the fitness of Bruce Wayne to continue as Guardian for Dick Grayson.  Not that they know the half of the child-endangerment situations Bruce Wayne put that kid in.


And do you meet anonymous strangers in the dead of night often, Mr. Wayne?

You'd be surprised.


What?  Objection, Your Honor, to counsel's snide editorializing of Mr. Wayne's testimony!

Geez, I guess billionaire Bruce Wayne can't afford aggressive legal representation.



Yes, it's very sad, Dick.

But, Bruce!  You could adopt me!  That way, a Guardianship (which is temporary by design) would be moot!  We would have the same rights to each other as we would as if you were my biological father.

Yes, it's very sad, Dick.  If only there was something we could do.

Bruce? Didn't you hear what I just said?

Very sad, Dick.  Very sad.

I guess I'm just in a silly mood today.  The changing of the seasons does that to me.

Hey!  It's time for Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!):


That's what SHE said!

Yeah, I know.  You're wondering why you kept scrolling down today.  I have no good answers for you.

But before we go, let's take a look at this last panel of that particular story:



Uh-huh.  And not five pages earlier:



Did you notice that in the flashback, Bruce and Dick are eating roast again?  Those guys must really like roast.  If they aren't having breakfast, you'll almost always see them eating roasts.  Don't make me prove it.

Anyway, security at Stately Wayne Manor clearly ain't much.  Even though no one knows he's Batman, there's always that whole "billionaire" thing that may necessitate a few measures that might discourage people from peering at you through your dining room window.  And you certainly wouldn't want to just drape things like Batman cowls in a chair like that.

Then again, I'm not a rich guy, so what do I know?  Maybe that's just how rich folks do.

See you tomorrow!



Monday, October 20, 2014

Caramba!

And then there was Batman #56, which had the first appearance of....


the Bat-Hombre!

It's the mostacho that makes it for me.

With the first appearance of Toto, the Sadistic Parrot:


I would buy the heck out of a Toto, the Sadistic Parrot comic.  I can't lie.

Finally, Hey!  It's time for Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!)


Indeed it does.  Indeed it does.

See you tomorrow!

Friday, October 17, 2014

WHERE ARE MY LEGS?

Let's end the week with this Moment of Comic Book Greatness from Batman #53:


It led to this equally awesome bit of dialogue:


This has been a CMNS Moment.... of Comic Book Greatness! (tm!)

And an equally awesome moment from Captain America Comics #17:


Who gives you Captain America fighting a gorilla?  CMNS.  You're welcome.

Hey!  It's time for Fun with Out of Context Dialogue/Artwork! (tm!):


I don't know what the mistake was... but if the payment was what it looks like the payment was, it must have been a doozy!

And yes, it's the angle of it that makes it look like they had just had intimate relations to me.  If I didn't have an immature sense of humor, this blog would be just one blank post after another.

See you Monday!

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Pit Pat, Pit Pat, He Just Keeps Pattering Byyyyyyy...

And now, one of my favorite features at CMNS, courtesy of Batman #51, the CMNS Saga in Three Panels! (tm!)




For some reason, it made me think of this:



Again, sorry for the earworm.

See you tomorrow!

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

The Red Skull: The Smartest Villain Ever.

So I came upon a print of a story from Captain America Comics #16, and I have to admit I'm impressed.  First, the Skull took advantage of sneaking up on Bucky to shoot him in the back with an arrow.  Now I am not saying this was an honorable or appropriate thing to do.  But let's face it: In a situation like that of Captain America and the Red Skull, you don't get bonus points for announcing to the enemy that you're about to shoot him or give him a chance to turn around.

But that was just the beginning.  Check out what happens when the Skull has Cap in his clutches.


What?  No elaborate death traps?  No gloating?  No "I'll take the moral victory and let you suffer with the knowledge I could have known who you were, but chose not to find out"?


Well, surely that's a moot point, because if the Skull just knows what Cap looks like under the mask, it's not like he really knows Cap's identi...


Well... That's That. (tm!)


Well played, Skull.  Well-played.

And, as an added bonus, we get to see the Skull wearing Cap's costume:


Hmmmm... that disguise isn't quite right.  I can't put my finger on it, but...

Anyway, check out this awesome artwork of the Skull's crime spree:


Complete with Disembodied Floating Heads! (tm!)

Then things get silly:


See how he's holding his shield in front of his face?  That's how he impersonates Cap.  And no one says a thing.  Military folks let the Skull into very sensitive areas without asking Cap if he could... oh, I don't know... take the shield down from his face.  It's bad enough that all you apparently need to have access to national secrets is a Captain America costume, but they aren't even pretending there's any security in DC.

And yet, we won the war.  America: Don't Ask Us HOW We Get the Results.  We Just GET 'Em.

But since the Skull knew Cap's ID, you knew how this was going to end:


And now, courtesy of "YYEEEEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWW," is another installment of CMNS Sound Effects Theatre! (tm!)


This has been CMNS Sound Effect Theatre (tm!)


The secret plans, completely unauthenticated and easily forged, apparently do convince law enforcement that Cap did absolutely nothing.  But, to be fair, Cap was a white man in the 1940's.

Moving on to the Secret Stamp!


Random Sucker Punch! (tm!)


Random Slap! (tm!)


Random Slap #2! (tm!)

I don't know much about the Secret Stamp, but the man knew how to slap.

See you tomorrow!

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Batman and Jimmy, the Tube-Sniffer.

Let's take a last look at Batman #50, which marked the return of Two-Face.  A mind-blowing thought occurred to me as I was saw this obligatory origin flashback:


Okay, now think of everything that Two-Face has done and didn't do based on how the coin toss turned out. 

It's a two-headed coin.

He marred one side of it.

Imagine all the outcomes if he'd happened to carve the "X" into the other side of the coin.

That's right:  You mind has just been blown.  No extra charge.

Let's get our bearing back with some Fun with Out of Context Dialogue (tm!):



And by, " 'Sniff this Tube' , of course I mean..."

Okay, that was just wrong.  But you can't blame me for this one:


I swear to you, I didn't doctor it at all.  Out of context?  Yes.  But that's it.  And it's a gem.

See you tomorrow!