Friday, July 25, 2014

Superman's Day in Court

Okay, I'm back on speaking terms with Action Comics now that I'm up to issue #359.  Any time I get some Fun with Out of Context Dialogue (tm!), I just can't stay mad.  Let's check it out!:


Oh, Superman.  I think you need to see this:


Anyway, Superman is on trial for killing a guy.  Everyone knows it was a total accident and the victim willingly participated in the boxing match where Superham permanently punched his lights out,  but Supes is getting charged with homicide anyway.  I'm not sure why.  Anyway, here it is:


I can't watch courtroom dramas because I'll critique how inaccurate they are.  Beloved says I take all the fun out of them, so I'll do my best to silence myself.  But I can tell you this: If I piped up during the prosecution's opening statement, the judge would be having a word with me in his chambers.  But apparently, this is criminal procedure in Metropolis.



Hmmmm... the fact that the scientist's inexplicably green hair has me perplexed notwithstanding, that's a valid point.  And it was totally improper for the prosecutor to make it at that time.


(A) Superham's defense counsel is asserting something for which there is no evidence and (B) WHY is everyone's hair turning green?


Wow, this prosecutor takes a lot of digs.  I'm surprised the judge is putting up with it, but I guess he feels obliged since he let Superman's attorney interrupt the prosecution's opening statements. 


Yeah, Ironside!  Superman is all about "Truth, Justice and the American Way," right?  Howzabout that?  Did you think of that, or were you just hoping we'd be so impressed by your dramatic pointing and the fact that your hair isn't green any longer that we wouldn't notice?


I'm telling you, Action Comics has really taken an awesome turn.  First Zha-Vam, and now this prosecutor.  Good times, my friends!

And then, blah blah blah, something happens that gets Superman's fat out of the fire and kills my buzz.  I find I tend to enjoy Action Comics more if I disregard the last few pages.  If these weren't borrowed copies, I'd just rip 'em clean out of the comic.

Anyway, Superman does this:


Ooooookay.  Why didn't you do this before the guy took your case?  I mean, it sounds like it took all of five seconds.  I think Superman was just holding back on helping the guy so he could use it as payment for legal services rendered.  Superham is such a jerk.

See you Monday!

Thursday, July 24, 2014

The Blue Beetle has a New Partner.. YES SIR!

So, I was going to talk about the triumphant third chapter in the Zha-Vam saga in Action Comics, wherein I presumed that Zha-Vam would continue to give Superman the comeuppance I've come to enjoy and... well, I read the last chapter and found that it made me cry real tears did not meet the needs of the blog at this time.  And Superman totally cheated.  That's all I'll say about that.

Let's talk about Sparky:


Is "Sparkington" a name?  People give their kids weird names, to be sure, but that's a new one.  So, I went on the Google and... sure enough, there it was.  Granted, it's usually a surname, but that's fair game.  It makes no sense to wear a mask and go by your real name, but it's not like he's the first sidekick to do it.

I've got to point out, though, that his rope-swinging skills leave something to be desired:


We don't actually see the rope there, but I presume that's what is going on.  Sidekicks often tend to be more trouble than they're worth (being the designated hostage and all), but this kid is physically hindering the Blue Beetle to the point that I wouldn't blame the Beetle if he smacked the kid.

Or maybe Sparky is the Blue Beetle's living cape.  You know, like when sushi is served on the body of a real human being at parties for some reason.


What is it, Sparky?  It better not be long pants!  You know how I feel about you wearing long pants!

Then I saw this.  This is disturbing:


No, it wasn't part of a story.  These people were giving away a puppy.  Was there a puppy shortage back in the day or something?  Because that isn't the case now.  
Seriously, folks, get your animal spayed or neutered.  None of this "just one litter" nonsense.  In the United States, we're still euthanizing 3-4 million animals a year according to the HSUS, so you're an idiot if you breed a dog for profit, the giggles, or "a chance for the kids to experience the miracle of birth."  Go to the shelter and "experience the tragedy of death" a few times, and maybe that'll be a more responsible lesson to teach your offspring.

And while you're at the shelter, adopt a new best pal.

Sparky definitely reads like the poor man's Bucky, who was arguably the poor man's Robin.  But to Sparky's credit, he didn't hesitate to shill for the publisher:


See?  Sparky was willing to resist capture and a charge of obstructing an officer to give a shout-out.  It sounds like Cat-Man Comics were better in Sparky's opinion than his own, but you've got to give the guy respect for his honesty.

See you tomorrow!

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Live, Superman! Live and Suffer!

I enjoyed yesterday's trouncing of Superman so much, let's check out the second installment of what is perhaps the greatest comic book trilogy ever, courtesy of Action #252:


"The Victory of Zha-Vam!"  Yeah!  Sign me up!


Superman showing off again.  I wish someone would...


YEAH!


Zha-Vam keeps making Superman press one of the letters on that funky belt of his.  I think it's like in prison where they make you grab a guy's pants pocket.


Hey, if I'm solid stone, do you think you could resist the urge at trying to shatter my stone body?


I know... we saw this in the opening panel, but you can't see enough of this sort of thing.


YEAH!

But Superham can't handle someone being more powerful than he is, so he tries to exploit Zha-Vam's weakness.

That is, if Zha-Vam had a weakness:


Woot!  Take that, Big Blue!


You know, I was afraid to read this comic because I was afraid it would somehow undo all of Zha-Vam's good deeds from Action Comics #351.  But I can see that these fears were groundless.  I'm sure that when I read the third part, it will be nothing but feel-good instances like these.  I love comics.

See you tomorrow for more Zha-Vamin' Superman-bashin' good times!

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Grab Your Toothbrush and Leave Earth for Good!

Action Comics #351 brought about possibly the most amazing villain in the history of ever:


Yeah, I know.  It's a pretty flimsy reference to Captain Marvel, what with how "Shazam" is an anagram for the 7 characters from whom Cap gets his powers.  So, you can understand why I was expecting... well, not much.

But this guy's powers are pretty bitchin'.




You've got to admit, that's a lot more entertaining than another guy whose just really strong.  And he beats the stuffing out of Supes, and that's always a good time:






And just when I can't believe how awesome it all is, he leaves Superman a "Bite Me" message:


BURN!  Yeah!  Chew on that, Superham!

You know what?  I hear there are two more parts to this story, and I'm not sure I'm going to read them.  I kind of like things the way they stand right now.  It's like watching that wedding scene that comes on after the closing credits of Napoleon Dynamite.  It's better to just leave the story while it's awesome.

Seriously, when Napoleon and Deb are playing tetherball and When in Rome's "The Promise" starts playing... just walk away.

And every bit as awesome is this custom-made Zha-Vam action figure!

Off to the Character Hall of Fame with Zha-Vam, for his sheer, unadulterated, awesomeness!  More on him tomorrow!  See you then!

Monday, July 21, 2014

Spankings, Mermen, Cavemen, and Batman Playing a Harp. You're Welcome.

I am totally on board with the Falcon being the new Captain America, but whatever happened to Bucky being Cap?  I am so far behind.

But a female Thor?  I'll wait and see.  I've never been a big Thor fan... translating the dialogue has always been kind of a drag.  That may be why I liked him in The Ultimates.

Anyway, Action Comics #347 brings about another Bizarro story.  I'm always down for a Bizarro story, but I still think that they're impossible to write if you want be consistent.  F'rinstance:


I would think that in Bizarro World, eating the utensils and the bowl would be applauded.  And while I'm on the subject...


... wouldn't you hug your child for being naughty?  You see where I'm going with this.

Let's check in on Jerro the man-fish guy:



Jerro took a hit!  Man down!  Merman down!

Jerro just learned what all guys must learn: If there's a reason a girl gives you that she can't be with you other than she's just not into you, it is a lie designed to spare your feelings.  That's it.  Every time.

Enough of that sadness.  We need something awesome:


Well, Superman getting clubbed by a caveman is pretty awesome.

But not as awesome as this:


I know.  You want to thank me, but you just can't find the words.  You're welcome, dear ones.  I'm a giver.  It's what I do.

See you tomorrow!


Friday, July 18, 2014

Supergirl is Forbidden to Have a Family Because Superman is a Selfish Jerk

I've always been a sucker for reprint collections.  For a smidgen of coin, you'd get pages and pages of old comics that would cost quite a chunk of change if you could even find them.  When I first started reading comics, I was exposed to Batman 100 page giants with a cover price of 60 cents.  Can you imagine?

But heck, even in the 80's, you could get those little DC Blue Ribbon Digests that were about the dimensions of Archie Digests and had several reprints for under a buck.  I loved those things.  Of course, now I can network through the interwebs and track down just about anything, but nothing was more exciting than finding a reprint anthology at the convenience store.  Those were the days, my friend.
Anyhoo, Action #347 is such a collection, which makes it awesome.  Let's check it out as Supergirl engages in cruelty to animals... and not for the first time:


So, who was the whale attacking that required that use of force?

NO ONE.

Yes, the whale was just doing his whale thing, being a whale.  But Supergirl decided that assaulting the whale into near unconsciousness was the best way to transport a drowning kid to shore.  She has all the powers of Superman, and that was her go-to.  OY!

And then, it's off to the orphanage for the kid:


Well, that's kind of a mean thing to do.  "Blank" is defined as "bare, empty or plain."  It's not like the kid doesn't have enough problems.  Why don't you just call him Billy Unloved and be done with it?

We haven't had a new meme in a bit, so I'm starting one.  This one is called I Hope They Only Did That Once! (tm!)


Supergirl disguises herself as Superman.  That is an unsettling visual.

I Hope They Only Did That Once! (tm!)

Let's skip to the end:


Whoa whoa whoaaaaa!  So, Superman not only refused to adopt Supergirl himself, but he forbade her from getting adopted by anyone else?  I've fallen for girls like that: They won't get involved with you, but they get all jealous if you start to develop something with anyone else.  Blarg.  Superman is such a tool.

See you Monday!

Thursday, July 17, 2014

AND the Blue Beetle Can Even Read Lips! Take THAT, Superman!

As we've seen, the Golden Age Blue Beetle just kind of had whatever powers he felt like he needed at the time.  Heck, he could fly, was bulletproof, super-strong... but like Captain Marvel, one thing that separated him from Superman were things like X-Ray vision, and...


Well, son of a gun.  So... DC sued the publishers of Captain Marvel  because Cap was really strong and could fly around, but they left the Blue Beetle (who was much more like Superman than Captain Marvel ever was) alone?  I suspect it was a case of Captain Marvel selling more comics.

Here's a little something:  


I love the chastity belt feature this thing apparently has.  That is hilariously wrong.

And so is this:


Okay, if you're going to wear shorts and no leggings, you have no business wearing white trunks.  It's just too hard to pretend that doesn't look like you're running around in your underwear.  Off to the Costume Hall of Shame (tm!) for V-Man!

See you tomorrow!