Thursday, April 17, 2014

Weenies! Yum!

Dear Ones, this will be the last post of the week because of the holiday tomorrow.  So, let's check out Action Comics  #269 to round out the week!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again:

Superman's roster of foes leaves a lot to be desired.

But it did give us this great CMNS Moment of Comic Book Greatness (tm!):

I mean, he's no Baby Face Finster, but Lois's reaction to him is hilarious.

Hey!  It's time for Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!)



Didn't Superman fall for a mermaid?  What is it with Kryptonians and people who are half fish?

Ugh.  Let's finish with this last bit of Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!)

See you Monday!

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

In Which I Probably Manage to Offend My Entire Readership

There are times where I go through a comic and see things and wonder if I'm just being a dirty-birdy.  I don't work blue here at CMNS because that's lazy writing.  But there are times where I just have to wonder.

For instance:

Where the heck is Archie right now?  Is he at a sperm bank or something?  Between the two young ladies "sharing the chair" and the magazine he's being offered, I'm wondering if he isn't there to make a deposit.

But again, am I just being a dirty-birdy?

Anyway, further in the ish: 

First, what Veronica said made me laugh.

Secondly, I'm pretty sure Archie is confused as to where Veronica's eyes are.

Next I saw a "Katy Keene" feature.  It was one of those things where people sent in fashion ideas or sketches or something in the hopes of seeing them in print.  It's a pretty shameless way to get readers... although now I'm wondering if I should be doing that around here.

Anyway, I can say with a fair amount of certainty...

... that Mrs. Earl Sands of Syracuse, N.Y. did not ever have an actual career in fashion design.

But Katy shows us all how to do a breast self-exam, so there's that:

I'm not sure how long a breast self-exam takes, but apparently it goes on for a long time:

Hmmmm.... I'm not trying to armchair quarterback Frank Knight of Sinton, Texas, but I'm pretty sure most ladies would appreciate a strap or some other means of actually keeping the dress attached to the body.  And what's with those huge honkin' flowers?

Anyway, I certainly try to keep the high road, but some days it just seems like there's almost a conspiracy to make me put things on the blog that...

... oh, COME ON!  Tell me you don't think this looks like a group of kids going on a field trip to an opium den.  Was there ever heroin in Baby Ruth candy bars?  Probably not, but they look disproportionately happy to me.  And calling yourself "Pals in pleasure" is just asking for the local vice cops to hassle you.

Although the phrase, "Pals in Pleasure" reminded me of one of my favorite albums from my youth: Charlie Sexton's Pictures for Pleasure.  Let's jam!

We'll start fresh tomorrow, my lovelies!  See you then!  

Monday, April 14, 2014

Awaken, Superman!

Starting off the week with another first (I think)!  It's not often I find Fun with Out of Context Dialogue (tm!) in ads, but here it is as we look at Action Comics #268!

I admit... those are novel choices, but I've already got "too fat" and "poor at sports" in my inventory, if you know what I mean.  If there was a category called "should be ashamed of your body but not so much that you're willing to lay off the Pringles," I'd have that covered as well.  Still, I give them credit for not making inflated promises.

Anyway, you may recall that Superman had run into Hercules, and everything was going pretty well until a woman entered the picture (ain't that always the way?).  Which gave rise to this great piece of dialogue: 

I'm going to work, "Is that clear, Hercules?" into my daily conversations.

Hey!  Random Bitch-Slap! (tm!)

I've got to say that the conflict was kind of a let-down.  They didn't really fight each other directly, opting instead to try and outdo each other with super stunts.  Which, considering the 12 labors of Hercules of myth, could have been a homage to that, but I don't think anyone was thinking that hard about it.

I'll put it this way: The final strike involved Hercules playing a flute and Superman falling asleep (like most of the readers at this point):

It's not just love.  It's SUPER-love!  Because anything to do with Superman is SUPER-whatever.  Insert your own "what happens in the toilet at the Fortress of Solitude" joke here.

Hey!  It's SUPER-Women's Intuition!

And before you ask... they put the thought balloon on the wrong girl.  That's Supergirl on the left in her civilian ID and an imposter on the right.  I guess the imposter fooled the letterer, which is kind of funny in it's own way.

See you tomorrow!

Friday, April 11, 2014

Women with Big Arched Eyebrows be Trouble

We're running out of Shield appearances in Pep Comics, so let's enjoy one of the last remaining ones from issue #63!

No, not that Ted Kennedy.

He was to be married shortly?  To her?

I don't know... if he was looking at a life with that woman, he may have taken the easy way out.  She looks a little.... shall we say, stern.  Really, Toots?  You can't even fake a single tear?

And a bunch of stuff happens, and as will come to a surprise to no one:

Really, Dusty?  You can't handle one woman with a handgun who isn't even paying attention to you right now?  Worst. Sidekick. Ever.

So she's held Dusty hostage for who-knows how many hours that it took the Shield to figure this thing out and Dusty just sat there and took it?  Put on your big boy pants, Dusty!


Whoops!  Maybe trying to take her on wasn't such a hot idea after all.  Sorry, Dusty!  Sorta.  I kind of yearn for your demise, so I can only muster up a qualified apology.  That's the best you're going to get out of an American these days.

Hey, not so rough, Shield!  I'm starting to warm up to her!  She did shoot Dusty, after all.

And no matter what the rest of the story said, Dusty is dead.  And I'll hear no more of it.

Meanwhile, let's end the week with the start a new meme!  I like to call this one...

Well, THAT Looks Uncomfortable! (tm!)

Well, THAT Looks Uncomfortable! (tm!)

See you Monday!

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Supergirl's Job Hunt

Finishing up our look at Action Comics #267, we have Supergirl meeting the Legion of Super-Heroes for the first time:

Well, sort of.  It turns out these aren't the same kids:

That seems rather unnecessary from a writing standpoint.  I mean, they're time-travelers, and always have been, so the original crew could have sent themselves to Supergirl's era just as easily as they went to Superboy's.

Don't overthink it, Adam... 

Okay, did you get that?  They want her to join their club.

And this is one of their members, by the way:

Super-Invisibility.  As opposed to that other kind.

Anyway, not so fast, Supergirl!

Okay, (A) the Legion is more cliquish than the Justice League ever was and (B) don't tell me you want me in the group and then make me audition.

I have to hurry because time's almost up?  Didn't we just travel through time?  Couldn't we have returned a little earlier when...

Don't overthink it, Adam.

Anyway, Supergirl does something that involves a lot of digging and:

Now, just a second.  She had just returned from doing this super-feat and they had already chosen someone else?  It sounds like this was just a "we had to post the opening but we had already promised the job to an intern" situation.  And that's a seriously schmucky move.

Red Kryptonite does it again!

It wore off an hour later, but sorry, Supergirl.  The position has been filled.  We appreciate your interest, and will keep your resume on file if an appropriate opening arises in the near future.

In the future, even super hero clubs are apparently modeled after corporate America.

Anyway, Linda returns to the orphanage, confused and dejected:

Even after all that terrible treatment, she still wants the gig.  This is what happens when your only living relative is so ashamed of you that he makes you live in an orphanage and deny any relation to him.  This is actually a pretty dark series if you think about it.

See you tomorrow!

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

The Power of Hercules! No, Not THAT One! Not THAT One, Either!

Because I just can't seem to stay away, let's delve back into Action Comics with issue #267:

Solar power?  Well, you've got to give Lex props for keeping his evil schemes Earth-friendly.

This go 'round, he's escaping jail via a time ray.

Got that?  A time ray.

Which, as one might expect of a time ray, is pulling someone out of the past.  I'm not sure why that works just by shooting it through a picture, but no one has ever said I'm so brilliant I could go toe-to-toe with Superman, so I'll not get too into the specifics.

But did you see the caption?

This "history" book has a picture (and you never know in comics... it could be a photo for all I know) of Hercules.

Yeah.  That Hercules.

And I recognize that the mythological character of Hercules might have been based on a real person.

But I'm fairly confident that no real person could do this:

or this....

So, I'm pretty sure we're supposed to assume that the super-strong guy actually existed at one point.

And Lex gets points for using "Herc the Jerk."

Anyway, Hercules isn't fooled for long (he's apparently a bit quicker at figuring things out than the Marvel version we all know and love) but wants to experience modern life before he goes back to his time.

And we get to see that the Daily Planet must be really short-staffed:

What did Perry hire Hercules (in his civilian identity as Roger Something?) to do in a professional capacity?

Yes.  A professional photographer.  Perry didn't even ask to see a portfolio or anything.  I guess it was hard to find good help back in the day.

But before I totally give up, I'm given this:

And that gives me the strength to keep going.

Herc falls for Lois for some reason (I can't imagine why.  I don't understand why Popeye and Bluto used to beat each other up over Olive Oyl either, so maybe my tastes are just different).  But Lois rejected him because she's all "Team Superman."  And Herc, using the kind of logic that I guess makes sense if you're in the habit of solving all of your differences with physical combat, realizes that he can only match Supers in strength, while Supers has other awesome powers like super-burping.

So, he goes back to the Powers that Be and asks for an upgrade:

Did you notice that the Powers that Be have designated areas for sitting?  I guess Achilles ticked Jupiter off, because I don't any place for him to sit.


No one touched Herc with only their middle finger, which disappoints me.  That would have been hilarious.

So, Hercules basically just became a watered-down Captain Marvel.

And the story pretty much ended there.  It's a multi-parter!  Egad!  Multi-part stories stressed me out because we didn't have comic stores and if the wire rack at the grocery store didn't get or sold out of a particular issue, you were just left not knowing how the story ended.  It also drove me crazy if I missed the second part of an Adam West Batman two-parter because then I'd never know how Batman and Robin escaped!  It was emotionally draining being a comic nerd in the day, I tell you!

So, we'll have to see what happened when I get to it later.  Sorry, gang!  Tune in... well, just keep tuning in.  It's not like it costs you anything.

See you tomorrow!

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

In Which I am Disturbed by Arrangements Made with Little Girls in Exchange for Candy

Giving myself a little break from the Superman family, I took a gander at Pep Comics #62, and found this little bit of Fun with Out of Context Dialogue! (tm!):

The silhouettes make it seem extra dirty.

Hey!  It's time for a CMNS Moment of Comic Book Greatness! (tm!):

EEEEE indeed!  I loves me a good hash!

That "Archie" story was confusing to me because it was all about Archie finding a stray dog, and I'm pretty sure Archie already had a dog.  Then again, that last dog could talk, so maybe they presumed he was possessed or something and put him down.  Riverdale won't be toleratin' no witchcraft!  Let this be a warning to us all.

Here is one of the creepiest ads ever:

Okay, ew.  Even taking into account that he's clearly peddling the candy bars, that does nothing to make me feel any less weirded out by the look on his face.  It's just disturbing.

See you tomorrow!